Grandma Rick
by HookahSocialism
Summary: Rick develops a clone to give Morty a loving grandmother.


GRANDMA RICK.

The day was typical at the household. Morty was just coming home from school and looked around noticing how quite and well...normal everything was with his parents and Summer just eating burgers.

"O-oh wow guys...do you notice how like... how like Rick isn't screaming or flailing angrily? What's up with that huh?"

Betty taking a huge bite out of her burger with ketchup all over her mouth says;

"Oh didn't you hear Morty? Dad has found a new girlfriend! He said he would introduce us to her when you got home from school."

Jerry nods dunking his fries in sweet and sour sauce.

"Maybe this woman will be able to tame Rick the way your mother tamed me hehehe..."

Betty just stoicly stares at Jerry.

"Yes Jerry... a hamster needs taming You're so wild with your fries and sauce."

"I'll have you know this sweet and sour sauce is SPICY HOT!"

As he tries to be all smug about it and eat more dunked fries he begins to tear up...

"Morty, get your ole' dad a glass of milk please..."

Later Rick throws the door wide open "WHAT UP BITCHES?! Rita... this is my family. They're alright I guess."

Before Morty can ask Rick anything behind Rick is a woman that looks very similar to him... too similar for comfort.

"Ohhhh theres the adorable little Morty you told me so much about! Come're you little faggot imma pinch those cheeks until they're blue!"

"N...no ms, please dont pinch my cheeks!"

"Imma pinch them!"

"No stop!"

"Imma pinch them so hard hehehe"

"Its (belch) great to see you both getting along so well..."

Summer goes up to Rick and before she even speaks he rolls his eyes.

"Grandpa can I speak to you alone?"

"FIIIINE" They go to another room while Rita is now giving Morty pink bellies.

"Grandpa... did you pull umm...Rita was her name? yeah did you pull Rita from some sort of crazy wormhole parallel universe where you're a woman or something?"

"Jesus Summer. Do you think Im that pathetic? I could just order a Russian bride for that! Here grandpa goes and finds a nice woman so you little (belch) ingrates can have a grandma and..."

He looks over at Rita and Morty and back at Summer.

"Ok on the down low I made a clone of myself. But dont tell Morty ok?"

"GRANDPA!!!"

"Shut up you little shit stain here me out... look. Morty deserves to have a grandma. An overly attached bitch who bakes cookies and makes him feel better about himself. Rather than pump myself full of estrogen like (belch uhhhh!) some tranny...I thought hey, why not clone myself?"

Summer crossed her arms.

"You dont have sex with it do you grandpa?"

"WHAT IS THIS THE 50s SUMMER?! ofcourse I have sex with it! We sleep in the same bed and we have that nasty old people sex where it's less about foreplay and more about getting the nut out of the way so life isnt as shitty!"

"Ewww grandpa stop!"

"Im not gonna stop Summer! Now if you ruin this for (belch!) Morty I...Ill never forgive you!"

A few days later they are at the grocery store looking at different foods.

"Oh (belch...) boy Morty look at this. A jar of random flavor jellybeans for seven dollars! Limitless potential Morty!"

Rita HUMMMS really loudly at Rick.

"What...what is it Rita?"

Summer looks at both of them "uhoh..."

"Morty is a growing boy and should not have his development stunted by excess candy! He can have candy if he wants but I'd rather we expose him to foods that promote nutrition and less calitoric density!"

"Less...IT'S (beeelch oooh that was a big one) IT'S FUCKING JELLY BEANS! They're like...a gram of carbs per bean. He could eat this whole bottle and still have enough calories to eat a burrito or something. Meanwhile look at this Morty...its got butterscotch, and lime, you like limes right Morty? Imagine all these different tastes and textures you'd expose your pallet too! Nearless infinite combinations!"

"Im making my grandson some stuffed peppers and onions!"

"Ill (belch...) stuff your peppers you skank! Thats my grandson too!"

"Hmmmph. You've been saying that for over a week now..."

Summer grabs Morty's hand and they walk off.

Later at home they are eating stuffed peppers and onions and while Rick grumbles Jerry says "these stuffed peppers are amazing Rita!"

"Why thank you Jerry! At least SOMEONE appreciates them!"

"Yeah well you can only appreciate something so much... lifes perceptions are to be challenged. Sure Rita, stuffed peppers are good...but have you ever experienced lime and butterscotch jellybeans together? Why do the same thing over and over when you can do something different? While we still have time too?"

Rita picks at her stuffed peppers...

"A black guy would be different..."

Rick throws his plate of stuffed peppers against the wall.

"Getting really tired of your shit Rita!"

Morty extends his hands out:

"Wowo geez Rick. Calm down! Rita...i-its not nice to imply cuckold sex to your boyfriend. B...both of you need anger management or something I dunno."

Rita gently puts down her fork and wipes her mouth with a napkin.

"Morty is right. At the very least we should not fight infront of the kids..."

"I agree..."

Rick and Rita leave and go out to the garage to yell.

Summer just mutters "oh yea thats so much better..."

Beth takes another bite of her stuffed pepper. "You both will understand when you're adults...this is just how relationships work."

Morty sneaks over to the phone and calls a hotline for domestic abuse.

"Yeah. I...Id like some advise on how to get two people I really care about to stop hurting eachother."

"Yes, so when did you notice that your grandpa was showing aggressive behavior toward your grandmother?"

"Well...she was kind of being aggressive too...I mean."

"So are you aggressive to your grandmother?"

"What?! No geez!"

"Is your grandfather threatening you to stay silent about..."

"What? Nono i'm just saying like...they are both to blame y'know? I know Rick cares about us in his own twisted way. And she just vomits on that. But Rick is a handfull...and he has to realize not everyone is like him y'know? I...I just want both of them to be happy."

"H--Hello is anyone still there?"

"So wait... is there abuse or isn't there? You do realize only women can be abused right?"

"What? That's not true!"

The hotline hangs up on Morty.

"Oh geez..."

Summer runs up to Morty:

"Morty we got a problem!"

They go into the garage and Rick and Rita are throwing themselves at eachother punching and kicking

"Stupid cunt!"

"Your dick is as small as the singularity!"

"But still wouldnt be as (belch) dense as you whore!"

"Wowo geez Rick and Rita...stop it you two!"

Rita pushing Rick off of her:

"Oh can it Morty! All you men are alike."

"W...what?"

"Dont listen to her Morty! Sh...she's just a crazy no good bitch! She isnt even blood related or something."

"N...now just waitaminute both of you! I...I can tell you both care about us in your own ways but this isnt healthy! You're both angry, volatile people, who have no business being together. You...you force yourselves to be together for us. But do you think we are that stupid?! Rick I know Rita is a clone..."

"Wait... you do? Summer!"

"I swear grandpa I didnt say a word!"

"I figured it out on my own Rick! I mean at first I thought she was from some parallel universe but like... itd be easier to just get a Russian mail order bride at that point."

"(belch) heh...atta boy."

Rita growls and grabs for a lasergun.

"Imma (belch) kill you! Imma kill all of you!"

"Wo! Watch it Morty... shes unstable!"

As they dodge laser blasts they throw down a table and hide bebind it as she just shoots at it.

"Well t...to be fair Rick youre pretty unstable too."

"No I mean literally Morty. Clones are not known for their consistent celluar structure. She is deteriorating rapidly on a mental and physical level..."

As Rita shoots the laser het tits sag straight to the pavement.

"Or she could just be going through (belch...) menopause. women am I right Morty?!"

Summer with her face in her knees "We're gonna die!"

"Oh Summer sweetheart Im not going to kill YOU... I just want the lying cheating men!"

Summer lifts her headup "Wait..haha! See Rick? You can stop being such a misogynist prick!"

"Your mascara mirror...wow yeah Summer. make us look pretty before we die like (belch) the samurai. Very honorable of you thanks..."

"Nooo with the mirror we can deflect those laser blasts."

"Ooooh great idea Summer! And than Morty can cast fireball on her for 10d6 damage. You God damn idiot Summer! Those arent lasers but condensed plasma ions from a fusion (beeelch) generator! A laser would just be a beam of light!"

Morty looks at Summer angrily

"Yeah summer geez!!!"

Summer just looks at both and crawls toward Rita.

"Im on your side now...death to all men."

"Atta girl!" Rita melts into a pile of goo and Summer pulls at her hair

"Whyyyyy?!"

Later they are all on the couch sticking their hands in a jar of random jellybeans. Rick gets a butterscotch and lime one to mix together.

"wo...wow Rick. Butterscotch and lime together is kind of nasty."

"Its just a new experience Morty...they aint all good ones."

"Yeh Rick but uhhh...most of these jellybeans are kind of stale and mediocre anyway. I mean im not shocked for seven dollars but..."

"Morty just accept (belch) just accept the fucking allegory will you?! Its either jellybeans or stuffed peppers Morty!"

Summer disgusted and her tongue sticking out at these stale jellybeans;

"Couldn't we just order a pizza?"

"Traps are gay Summer..."


End file.
